Dear Beloveds,

So today, we’re going to be talking about the “Tea” in the Trans community, specifically regarding Unitarian Universalism (if you’re unsure of the meaning of “tea” in this context, sit tight!). First, I want to talk a little about the language I will use because the words we say are important and powerful. I use the term “queer” as a catch-all for the 2SLGBTQIA+ community. I also want to acknowledge that there are many, particularly for our gay, lesbian, two-spirit, and trans elders, for whom this word carries hurt, and I want to acknowledge that this is real and it’s heavy. I have had this word hurled in my direction by bigots in my lifetime. Also, many people, including myself, use queer as a personal identity coming from the idea of “queering” within queer theory, which is a way of challenging heteronormativity or gender binaries in culture, in art, academia, or in other areas. It is also a reclaiming of a word that has caused harm, using it in a celebratory and affirming way, and as such, it has become as much a political identity as a personal one.

I also want to acknowledge that much language within the queer community originates specifically from black trans women and black femmes, from Ballroom culture of the 1980s-1990s and even earlier, and has been repeatedly appropriated by the white community and popular culture. For example, “Vogueing,” a type of dance specific to the ballroom scenes in the 1980s and early 1990s where mainly young black and Latiné queer and trans people enacted performances of gender, was misappropriated by Madonna with her song of the same title. “Slay,” “Yass queen,” and “throwing shade” are other examples that have made their way into the mainstream lexicon that originated in black and Latiné queer and trans femme spaces. “Spilling the tea” is another such phrase, and it means to let someone in on a secret or a piece of gossip or to tell a secret or a truth. And today, dear friends, I’m spilling the tea.

As well-meaning left-leaning Unitarian Universalists, we tend to think that we embrace everyone and welcome everyone in our spaces. But here’s the tea- this welcoming goes beyond having name tags with pronouns (although that is a great start!) or gender-diverse bathrooms. Welcoming to me means we must intentionally build a culture and community. It feels like it was made just for the person we are trying to welcome. At the same time, welcoming people as individuals- with individual experiences, perspectives, strengths, and challenges- and then listen to them about their experiences, particularly when they tell us something is amiss.

In my time as a trans person at First Unitarian, I have met a group of amazing, welcoming, incredibly kind, and courageous people who are intent on doing the hard work that our 8th principle calls us to dismantle white supremacy culture and all the intersecting oppressions that create circles of “in” and “out.” In Unitarian Universalism, there should never be an “out,”; and yet, friends, there is. In my experience, I’ve been misgendered multiple times by kind, well-meaning people, which, for transpeople, can be anything from mildly

irritating to dysphoria-inducing- meaning it triggers trauma that we consciously work to counter in self-affirmation of ourselves and our community. And let me be clear here- none of us in the trans community expect perfection 100% of the time. That is not only unrealistic, but that perfectionism is a relic of White Supremacy Culture that says that we must always get everything right and appear to be in control, especially in social situations. Misgendering is like calling someone the wrong name- it happens sometimes, and all you can do is apologize and move on. Maybe check in with the person afterward, but above all, get to know us as people, as individuals, not just as a letter in a string of the alphabet. Some of us use pronouns that can feel awkward- some pronouns that I use in addition to they/them is xe/xem, and these were actually initially proposed by Dan Ricktler in an article in UU World in 1972. These pronouns are not as new as they seem to be. They are just making it into mainstream culture as trans visibility increases. My advice is if these feel bumpy to you, practice saying them. “Xe went to the park with xer dog. I was glad to see xem there”. Say it until it feels natural. And when you’re introducing yourself, get in the habit of offering your pronouns too to normalize this practice- believe me, it makes us more comfortable around you immediately and makes us feel more comfortable offering ours. I can tell you that while we have grown leaps and bounds here, we still have work to do. If I’m being consistently misgendered as the intern minister, I know some congregants and visitors are as well. And particularly for the newly “cracked”- we use the term “cracking the egg” to talk about when we realized we were trans- it can be particularly disheartening, and they’re/zir/xer not likely to return (See what I did there?). Please, educate yourselves about trans issues. Me, or any ministry team member, will be more than happy to refer you to some resources.

Also, look at the spaces where there are still binaries being perpetuated. This often happens in men’s and women’s groups in church spaces. As a trans/nonbinary person, where do I fit? I’m sure I would be welcome as an AFAB (assigned female at birth) person in the women’s group, but I’m not a woman. I’m transmasc, but I don’t entirely identify as male either. I’m something different, something beyond. Nonbinary means neither male nor female, or a combination of the two, or something beyond the scope of gender entirely.

And there are intersections with other oppressions with all of these as well, and unfortunately, because of our progressivism, we tend to be less willing to admit our shortcomings when they arise. Could we, after all, have done something to support white supremacy? Short answer: we do every day. Could we hold class bias? Would a houseless person feel welcome if they came in for services? How about a large working-class family? How many among our congregations are not middle to the upper middle class, white, and educated? How many have been on food stamps? How many have not known where they might sleep or if they would have enough food the next day? How many have had to pawn something to provide Christmas dinner for their family? Has anyone been incarcerated? Do we hold racial bias? How diverse are our congregations? How are we upholding the leadership of Black, Indigenous, and people of color? Are we looking at how we support white supremacy in our congregations? Are we actively practicing the welcoming of 2SLGBTQIA+ people or just putting rainbows on our doors? These are hard questions, and this work we must do together is hard. After all, it is one thing to have an ideal and quite another to have a practice. And friends, regarding many communities on the margins.

There is unfortunately too large a gulf between our ideals and practices. And we must do better, not because it is easy or because we don’t want to besmirch our good progressive name, but because our faith calls on us to do this work. We have to look to those who are being left out and left behind and not only welcome them into our circle but lift them up as holy within it. We are intimately connected to one another, and those at the margins are most harmed by unjust institutions that ultimately harm all of us. Our beloved community is incomplete without all of us.

So here’s the tea, dear friends. Here’s the hard truth. With regard to the “T”, beautiful, vibrant, joyful trans community that are my kin, who have been held up as holy in so many cultures throughout time, like many other marginalized communities, we as UUs have much work to do to make our spaces loving, welcoming, and inclusive. And if we’re not doing that as a spiritual community, what are we doing? So let’s get to work.