by Rev. Dr. Marilyn Sewell

A sermon given June 1, 2003

First Unitarian Church

Portland, Oregon

I would like to begin this morning with a little warning, a sort of caveat emptor, in regard to this sermon—you hear it at your own risk.  I say this because I do not want to put myself in the kind of situation that I did some years ago when I said in a sermon, “Trust your desire!  That inner leading—trust it! Your desire will lead you to the Divine.”  A couple of weeks later, a wife called me.  She said, “My husband came to hear a sermon of yours, and you told him to trust his desire.  That his desire would lead him to the Divine. And now he’s having an affair with a 19-year-old.  And it’s your fault.” 

Please hear me: I’m not saying to anyone in a committed relationship here today, “Hey, go out and have an affair, it’s okay.”  Actually, we need rules, but beyond that, I am saying that “thou shalt not” is an incomplete guide.  What is the positive side of the law?  What does the law of love demand? 

Yes, we do need rules—guidelines, like the 10 commandments because we’re not always thinking straight.  Sometimes we don’t even want to think straight. You perhaps heard the joke about Moses coming down from the mountain, clutching the stone tablets engraved with God’s commandments.  He says to the anxiously awaiting Israelites, “Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news.  The good news is that I got Him down from 12 to 10.  The bad news is that adultery is still on the list.” 

The latest book on John Kennedy, entitled An Unfinished Life, documents, among other things, the fact that Kennedy had an affair with a White House intern named Mimi, a woman now in her sixties. A previous book on Kennedy revealed that it was not just Mimi, it was also Pam, Jill (actually two Jills), Janet, Kim, and Mary and Diana, among others.  Then there is Clinton, who as we all know “did not have sex with that woman,” setting off a nationwide discussion on just what is sex, anyway.  FDR was not true to Eleanor, nor was Ike to Mamie, though these latter two extra-marital liaisons were clearly not predatory.  Presidential infidelity.  Makes me long for the innocence and candor of one of the finest men who has ever held political office, Jimmy Carter.  You may remember that he said in an interview with Playboy magazine that he had “lusted in his heart,” which according to scripture, Carter says, is just as bad as committing adultery.

Trust me.  It’s not.  In fact, I would put good money down on the fact that everyone—well, virtually everyone (there may be a few exceptions somewhere in the universe)—has lusted in his or her heart for someone who is not our spouse or partner.  In fact, if you are alive and in touch with your senses and in love with the world itself, if the juices of life are coursing through your capillaries, you will be attracted not just to one person but potentially to many persons.  The problem comes, and I think Carter would agree with this, the problem comes when you dwell on that attraction, elaborate upon it, indulge in the fantasies that lead you to ultimately become unfaithful to your partner.

I believe that people basically want to be true to those with whom they are in relationship, whether it’s a romantic relationship or something less intimate.  We don’t like ourselves when we gossip about a friend, or when we betray a confidence, or when we behave in a selfish, inconsiderate manner.  All these are lapses in faithfulness.  And we don’t like ourselves when we lie, or when we have to conceal the truth because we don’t want another to know about our behavior.  We really want to be true to ourselves and to those we care about.  But sometimes we slip.  Sometimes we end up betraying another, and in doing so, we end up betraying ourselves.  In no other relationship is the sense of betrayal so acute as in marriage.

What causes people to have extra-marital affairs?  What causes people to step over that line?  There are lots of different reasons.  Infidelity can occur even when the primary relationship is good, and actually strong in other ways.  Some people are unfaithful because they simply do not put fidelity very high on the list of their values.  They know going into marriage that they do not plan to be sexually faithful, but can promise to be faithful in other dimensions of their lives.  Some people are probably constitutionally incapable of being monogamous—and they should warn the prospective partner of this dimension of their personality.

But those who value fidelity also sometimes stray.  Their motivations are more complex, are often unconscious.  Sometimes there is trouble in River City, and the couple have slipped into this trouble without even knowing it.  Children come, and the couple begin focusing all their attention on just getting through the day—working, getting the food on the table, keeping the kids going.  One or both parents may be too tired to make love.  They rarely have an evening or a weekend alone.   

Or stress enters the family’s life in the form of physical illness or job loss or depression, and all of a sudden the joy in their togetherness is diminished—there remains duty, obligation, but that becomes a pretty dry crust after a while.  Or one member of the couple changes, and the partner feels that the original agreement isn’t being honored.  A man may decide, “No longer am I going to be Mr. Passive Nice Guy.”  Or a woman may begin coming into her own, and threaten her partner by her new sense of self. 

When these stresses come in a relationship, and they will come in every relationship, open communication is crucial.  When people can be honest with each other, in respectful and loving ways, then these problems can be worked through.  Sometimes a therapist can help.  The mistake that so many couples make is that by the time they go to a therapist, it’s already too late, and at least one of them has a foot out the door. 

There was a critical time in my marriage when I failed to speak.  I remember the day clearly.  My husband and I were living in Liverpool, England, and I had just been admitted into the hospital to give birth to our first son.  No friends or family were near—there I was alone, in a strange city in a strange country.  The contractions were beginning, and I was scared.  Frank, my husband, was a resident physician, a pediatric surgeon, with a very busy schedule.  After I was prepped, he came into the room and he said to me, “Well, this is going to take all night, and I have to do rounds in the morning, so I’m going to go home and get some sleep.”  I was surprised and hurt, and I remember thinking, “Okay, that’s Okay.  The baby and I can do this alone,” and I acquiesced.  Not thinking enough of myself to ask for more, I acquiesced.  But at that very moment a veil fell between us, and it was never removed.  It was like that poem that Brent read earlier:  “A cold ship/ moves out of harbor somewhere way inside the wife and slides off toward the flat gray horizon.”  Fail to speak your truth, and something dies inside you. 

Some people who get involved in affairs are those who are trying to meet needs that cannot be met within their marriage—or within any marriage.  A typical train of thought might go something like this:  “Gee, I love my wife, but I’m unhappy.  Something’s wrong somewhere.  If my marriage was really good, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I’m not the type of person who just cheats on his wife, but I don’t see much changing, and I’m just angry so much of the time.  Maybe I could be happy with some other woman.”  Such a person may be trying to find external solutions to problems which are actually internal.  A different woman will not solve problems of self-esteem.  A different man will not cure depression.

There are some things, though, that are reasonable expectations in a marriage or partnership.  And when those essentials are not there, partners will surely be tempted to look elsewhere.  In a life-giving relationship—and who would want one that isn’t life-giving—one should be able to expect respect, mutual support, kindness, and emotional and sexual intimacy.  If these qualities are not present, a person begins to shrivel up, to grow smaller, and to draw away.  Sometimes a marriage partner happens onto another person who does treat them respectfully or who does find them sexually attractive or who does listen with interest and care, and then that partner is vulnerable, because of being starved at home, and so may enter into an affair.

The problem with using an affair to compensate for an ailing marriage is that an affair does terrible damage—often irreparable damage—to the marriage.  If the affair is discovered, the partner who has been betrayed may find it impossible to trust again.  The marriage may continue, but never with the same sense of safety.  The ground for easy openness and intimacy is gone.  And even if the affair is not discovered, many lies must be told, many secrets held, and what that does to the individual who deceives is destructive to their spiritual being, to their character.  A person becomes furtive and sly, begins to hide, instead of being open-eyed and innocent and present.

So I am suggesting here that there are basically two ways to go with an unhappy marriage, and neither one includes having an affair.  If you want your marriage to work, then put energy there and not elsewhere.  If you decide at some point that you cannot stay within the marriage, then make that decision without the influence of a new love waiting in the wings.  Watch out for Mr. Right.  Distrust Ms. Wonderful.  It’s all too easy to believe that this new love will embody your happiness when really you’ve never bothered to do the interior work to make any relationship a good one.

I’m aware, you know, how really judgmental this sermon may sound, and I want to go back to something I said earlier: yes, we need rules, we need guidelines, but these cannot be rigid.  Why?  Because human beings and human situations cannot be boxed in this way and neatly categorized and stamped.  A couple of stories:

An acquaintance of mine told me—and this was years ago—about her new love.  He was gentle and kind and deep and funny, and well, everything she had ever hoped for.  But they could never marry—you see, he was married already.  His wife was hopelessly mentally ill and confined to a state hospital.  He was faithful to her, visiting often, and would never consider divorcing her.  But he longed for a partner to share his life, someone to talk with and go to movies with, someone to share his bed.  So this friend of mine became not his wife, but his love.  And I think that was a good thing.

An elderly widow—around eighty-six years old, as I remember, was telling me about a man who had come into her life.  “I’m in love!” she said.  “For the first time in my life, I’m in love!”  Her smile and the light in her eyes confirmed that truth.  She went on:  “He lives in another state, though, and so I don’t get to see him too often.  And he’s married.  But there’s no warmth, no feeling, in his marriage, and there hasn’t been for 20 years.”  Knowing that she was a fine, upstanding woman, and hardly knowing how to respond, I mumbled something about, “Well, it’s too bad you can’t consummate this relationship,” to which she replied, “Oh, we don’t have any trouble consummating it!”  The first time she had been in love.  Married twice, but never in love.  He going for 20 years without a loving touch.  Was I supposed to condemn her?  Somebody else might.  I could not.

I’m not here to stand in judgment of anyone.  I’m here to say be careful, be intentional, for you can grievously hurt yourself and others.  And I’m here to say that we’ve all made mistakes, we’ve all hurt others.  We may not have had affairs, but we may have been unfaithful by hurting our partner in other ways, by withholding affection, by being constantly critical.  Hardly anyone really wants to hurt another, hardly anyone acts out of malice, but we do act out of deep needs that we sometimes don’t understand.  So we need to forgive ourselves and to forgive others.  This world is a hard place to navigate.  Compassion for others comes out of noting our own failings. Wisdom springs forth from mistakes.

It’s not that we want to forget the rules.  But we need to move beyond the rules.  Being faithful means being positively engaged in the well-being of another.  Being willing to sacrifice one’s own wishes to please another.  A relationship is not a consumer item in which we go for all we can get at the cheapest price possible.  It’s not a deal.  It’s each one giving 100%.  It’s each one saying to the other—by touch, by word, by behavior—you are precious to me, and I care deeply about your happiness.

I remember back in the ‘70s, the good old 1970s, there was a phrase that was in vogue, and it went like this:  “You just can’t expect one person to meet all your needs.”  Let me ask you:  where did we ever get the idea that all our needs should be met?

Sometimes all of our needs will not be met.  Another story.  Another friend of mine—I realize that by now you think that all my friends have affairs, though that’s not so—another friend of mine started a new business with a co-worker of hers, and they fell in love.  She was single, and he was in a very ho-hum marriage.  Basically, he had grown way beyond his wife, and he was just bored.  So there they were.  My friend would not enter into an affair with this man, because her values would not allow it.  So after several years, he decided to leave his wife so that he could be with the woman he loved.  He moved out, started seeing my friend, and then decided that he just could not leave his marriage.  He had a young daughter, and he just could not be away from her, nor could he hurt her this way.  So he and my friend are still in business together, and they have chosen not to be romantically involved.  They are spiritual partners, but not physical partners.  Sometimes all of our needs are not met.

Fidelity—what does it mean, anyway?  It means to be faithful to your vows, or promises.  We might remember that our lives are filled with promises, spoken and unspoken.  The bigger question is, “Are we able to be faithful persons—that is responsible to the network of relationships that hold us in community?”

Fidelity in partnership is part of our larger understanding that we are in relationship, always, and that no decision can be made, not action taken, no word spoken that does not directly or indirectly affect others.  So the question can never be, “What do I want just now?”  but rather the question has to be “How do I remain true to my loyalties?”

Sometimes those loyalties will be in conflict—deeply so.  Then we just have to muddle through and do the best we can.  The bottom line, I think, has to be what you can live with.  Don’t look for purity or perfection in this world, because the gray areas will just overcome you.  But what brings self-respect?  What gives you a sense of integrity?  What leaves you at peace with yourself?  What leaves you able to say at the end of the day, and at the end of a life—you know, I took the path that was mine to take.  I was true to who I am.  I was moving with the Spirit, as best I could, along a path of light.  So be it.  Amen.                                             

PRAYER

Beloved, we come today asking for forgiveness when we have not been true to the best that is within us.  We ask that we might gain wisdom and compassion from our mistakes, and that we might have a forgiving heart, both for ourselves and for others.  We want to be faithful to you and to your purposes in our lives.  When we are muddled and confused, show us the way.  Help us to be your people in the world, seeking the truth and living in love.  Amen.

BENEDICTION

Go now and be faithful to your neighbor, to your friend, to all those you love, and most of all to yourself and your God.  Go now in love and go in peace.

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Copyrights 2003, Rev. Dr. Marilyn Sewell.  All rights reserved.