by Rev. Dr. Marilyn Sewell

A sermon given March 16, 2003

First Unitarian Church

Portland, Oregon

CALL TO WORSHIP

Good morning!

We come together in this place

to remember who we are,

to remember what we serve,

to create what we will become.

Come now, and let us worship together.

"Falling in Love—and Staying There." Talk about a tough topic! Let me start with a disclaimer. I know little or nothing about this topic—but then neither does anyone else. To investigate the phenomenon of falling in love—whether personally or academically—is to come away confounded, bewildered.

Falling in love seems to be a universal experience. It has brought its joy and its pain throughout recorded history. Think Adam and Eve. They existed in a state of bliss—at first. But then the snake appeared, and they became human creatures with free will, and the trouble began. This was the first instance of "passing the buck." "The snake lied to me," said Eve. "You tempted me," said Adam. "It’s not my fault, it’s your fault!" they screamed at each other. I guess they finally worked things out, because apparently they stayed together. Of course, they were the only game in the garden, so to speak.

Scholarly research on romantic love has been lately focused on the brain. Researchers speak of the "neural mechanisms" of romantic attraction—as if they could cram it into their little cognitive boxes. By studying brain scans of college students in love, laboratory researchers have come to the following conclusions: (l) romantic attraction is a primitive drive, like hunger; (2) unlike sexual attraction, romance causes us to focus on one other person; (3) high levels of certain brain chemicals cause people in love to have increased energy, less need for food and sleep, and exquisite delight in the smallest details of the relationship.

One wonders how many millions of Federal dollars have been spent to find out what the least informed among us already knows—being in love feels good, and it makes you crazy.

One distinguished scientist, Robert Epstein, who has a Ph.D. in psychology from Harvard and who has written eleven books and over 80 scholarly articles, put an ad in Psychology Today, seeking a woman who would date him exclusively, would intentionally fall in love with him, and would then write a book with him about their experience. Epstein says his fantasy is that he and his intended would sign an agreement pledging to a number of goals, including "to know each other deeply; to communicate with each other effectively; to be aware of each other’s needs and to learn how to satisfy them." They would agree to see a "love therapist" at least weekly, and read appropriate fiction and non-fiction. Can you believe how boring this whole thing would be? Surprisingly, more than 300 women have responded. On the other hand, he is fending off people who think he is crazy, including his own mother. I would concur with his mom.

So much for the scientific approach. Romantic love falls into that realm of human knowledge called "mystery." We do know that it is real, it is powerful, and it can happen at any age. It will often hit you when you least expect it. (SOLO: "One Enchanted Evening")

Falling in love is nature’s hook, so that the species will survive. It may start with physical attraction, but it’s much more than that—it makes us crave the one other, the only one who can satisfy our longing. It is a kind of wish fulfillment, in which our ideals are projected onto another, unfortunately onto another flawed human being. If our love is spurned, we suffer acutely. If reciprocated, we enter into a state of inexplicable bliss.

The question is, can it last? Can you fall in love and stay in love? Yes and no. No one can tolerate the heightened feelings of new love, romantic love, for very long—after all, you do have to eat and work, at some point. But can a person be deeply in love year after year after year? Yes. It may ebb and flow, but yes—and love can become deeper and richer as the years go by. I do not doubt this, for over the years in my ministry, I have seen such relationships, and many of them. People tell me, "He is my best friend." "She makes up for everything I’m not." "I am so lucky to be married to him." I watch couples in the congregation as one slips an arm around the other, and the other moves closer. Single people sometimes think, "Good marriages are rare." Unhappily married people say to themselves, "Well, nobody has a really good marriage." I’m here to tell you this: that just isn’t true. Don’t give up on love. And don’t give up on marriage.

(CHOIR: "Love and Marriage") No, no, no choir! I’m not saying that love and marriage necessarily go together. You can fall in love with someone who wouldn’t work out as a marriage partner. Love and marriage really are two separate things. You can have love without marriage, and you can have marriage without love. Some people are fortunate enough to bring the two together.

Suppose you’re thinking about spending the rest of your life with someone. Possibly having children with this person. What do you want to consider? Well, first of all, you should love this individual with a special kind of love. You may think that’s obvious. But people get married for all kinds of reasons. Because it’s time to get married. Because they are lonely. Because they want to have children, and the old biological clock is ticking. I had one couple who wanted me to marry them because "she needs health insurance." But these reasons are not sufficient for the promises you make in marriage. If you want the relationship to last, love is the grounding you must move from.

Well, then, what would that mean, being in love with someone? You will doubtless have your own criteria—but I’ll tell you what I think. I would begin with delight, delight in the other. That is something that can’t be ordered up. It comes through grace. When you see that person, your face lights up. You are drawn to him, you want to be with him. She is complementary to you—that is, her strengths seem to support your weaknesses, and vice versa. What others might find to be a flaw, you overlook, because you just don’t see it, or it doesn’t matter that much to you. Now I’m not talking about a flaw like being a serial killer. Just your everyday garden variety flaw. I think about my cat Molly. When Molly was a kitten, someone said to me one day, "Your cat is so cute! She has cross eyes!" "No, she doesn’t," I said. "Yes, she does," my friend answered. I looked at Molly straight on. "No, she doesn’t," I said. At some time later, I asked another friend, a good friend, a discerning friend, "Do you think my cat has cross eyes?" "Well, yes, she does," my friend said, "but that makes her all the cuter." I looked again at Molly, straight on. At her sweet beautiful little face. "No, she doesn’t," I said.

Other things need to fall into place, before marriage is considered. Do you want to give to this person, to add to his happiness in this world? Could you really say, "In sickness and in health"? Is this individual mature enough emotionally and psychologically, to be in a committed relationship? How will this person be with your family? What are the her values? Can you really live with this person’s religion, or politics? Do you deeply respect this individual? Do you trust him? Does she bring out the best in you?

And of course sexual attraction is extremely important. Now I know all you parents out there are thinking, "I hope my teen-ager doesn’t hear this!" Well, sexual attraction is not the only thing, but it’s important. A fulfilling sexual life can bring healing and pleasure and deep joy. But know this: sex is in the brain. Desire can be easily lost, if the relationship begins to falter.

Speaking of sexual attraction, let me say that that is tricky. One of God’s little jokes is that sometimes we are sexually drawn to people we don’t even want to have a conversation with, much less a committed relationship. One of the most interesting books I have read in a long time is entitled A General Theory of Love, by Thomas Lewis, et al. In this book the authors point out that we are inclined to be attracted to what is familiar. Like my woman friend who said, "I think I married my husband because he wore his belt low on his hips, just the way my father did." So the man who had a judgmental mother marries a woman who criticizes him constantly. Or the woman who had a cold and distant father falls exclusively for men who are not emotionally available. Such a person hopes, but hopes for the wrong thing. They love, but they love the wrong person. You see, no matter what we say, no matter what we know is good for us, as the authors put it, "familiarity trumps knowledge." A person can break these early patterns—by several means. First by being lucky enough to fall into a healthy relationship, in spite of yourself, and having that person love you into being. Against the odds, says Lewis, sometimes life finds a way. Or change can come by doing therapy with a practitioner who is willing to step into your world, psychologically speaking. By the way the therapist relates to you, you can actually change destructive brain patterns—as you might imagine, this is not a quick and easy process. But don’t give up on love.

Well, how does love differ from romance? Here’s what several respondents in a study had to say: "Romance is the flourish; love, the solid foundation." "Romance is going to dinner at a five-star restaurant; love is making sure the waiter knows about your wife’s allergies." And I liked this one: "Romance makes babies, and love is what keeps your husband in the delivery room with you when he feels like fainting."

But let me share with you a love story, one sent to me by a congregant. It is the story of Floyd and Marc, told by Marc.

"My partner Floyd and I have been together 15 years this week. . . . . For the past 15 years we’ve been engaged in one long continuous argument. Never mind that neither of us remembers what it’s about. All I’m saying is just as soon as he admits he’s wrong, I’m outta here.

"It didn’t start out that way. Floyd and I met in New York in 1986 when I took time off from school to intern in the Broadway producer’s office where he worked. He came to me looking embarrassed and said, ‘Uh, listen, I’ve got this friend who’s a stage manager at Radio City Music Hall who can get me in to watch Liberace and the Rockettes from backstage. You’re not interested, are you?’

"Liberace? The Rockettes? Free? We made our second date right then, before we had even gone out on our first. Our fates were sealed.

"Lest you think that a mutual appreciation for Liberace and the Rockettes is a faulty basis for a relationship, I should tell you that the very next day I had an epiphany. That’s right, I piffed. And me without a tissue in my handbag to wipe it up.

"The day before we went out on our two dates, I walked into Floyd’s office and saw him hunched over his typewriter (yes, children, that’s how long ago it was), peering over his glasses, his sweater hanging on the back of the chair where he still puts it to this day (and then wanders around wondering where he’s left it), his bald spot gleaming at me like a beacon, and that’s when I piffed. Right there in the office. In one stunning moment of clarity I saw my entire future ahead of me. I thought to myself, ‘Well, that’s it. It’s been decided. I can fight it, but there’s really no point. This is my destiny.’

"Now encountering your destiny is all well and good, but it’s not always easy living with it. So we fight. Floyd carps at me because I’m constitutionally incapable of loading the dishwasher properly; I nag him when he dresses because as far as I’m concerned black and navy blue don’t go together—never have, never will.

"We fight about money. A lot. Since both of us would like to be rich, yet neither of us particularly like working, our fights usually go like this: Floyd: Why aren’t you rich? Marc: Why aren’t you rich? Floyd: I asked you first.

"When we first got together 15 years ago, I decided I would rather see our photos on the wall in collages rather than shut away in albums. . . . . What I didn’t anticipate was that after 15 years, those collages would also provide a daily reminder of how we’re aging. We are not the same people we were. Yet, there we are, year after year, willing to do anything for a picture, no matter how ridiculous or occasionally, dangerous.

"I look at these pictures of us, Floyd getting progressively balder, the march of time goosestepping across his face, and me, getting fatter, thinner, fatter, thinner, all the while making some really questionable fashion choices.

"And I realize that perhaps we haven’t lasted 15 years in spite of our fighting, but because of it. We fight to stay together, to keep us together even as we change and grow. We stay together because we fight: for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part."

It’s not easy for couples to stay together these days. In fact the culture downright discourages it. There are the long hours at work, and the commute, most often for both spouses. Who fluffs the pillow, puts on the soft music, and asks, "How was your day?" No, it’s more like pick up the kids, throw some dinner on the table, help the kiddos with two hours of homework, and fall into bed, exhausted, trying to recover for the next day. Making love? Forget about it. We don’t have to live like this—we don’t have to structure our economic life like this—but we do. This society doesn’t support love and it doesn’t support marriage and family life. It supports production and efficiency.

What would help us persist in relationship, given the stresses of contemporary life? You can make choices that reflect your values, not the values of the society. You can make relationship central to your life. Central. Not just something that is there, something you assume will go along on its own, untended. The weeds will grow in that garden, and choke out all the flowers. Your job is not the most important thing. Not even your children are the most important thing. Your partner is. The best thing, in fact, that you can give to your children is letting them see a loving relationship, giving them a sense that life has joy to offer, a knowing that lasting love is possible.

You can kill love, you know—even love that was once sweet and true. How? By deceiving your partner, not communicating, showing little interest in sex, keeping your partner low on your priority list. But it is possible to keep love—and even romance in your marriage. I can’t help but remember my mother-in-law’s advice to me. I was there in the hospital, having just given birth to my second child, when she walked in with a copy of that classic 1970’s book The Total Woman, by Marabel Morgan. It was not the best received gift I have ever been given. In order to keep romance in your marriage, Marabel suggested that when your husband comes home from work, you greet him at the door dressed only in clear cellophane plastic wrap. I chose not to follow that advice. Maybe that’s why my marriage did not last.

But what do real people say when asked how to keep love alive? Well, here are some of their answers. A bouquet of wildflowers spontaneously plucked from the side of the road wins out over a dozen long-stemmed red roses. Piano music. A kiss in public. Saying, "I love you" a lot. Creating a day for just the two of you—a surprise event arranged by a partner that allows for uninterrupted time together. Without the cell-phone.

When you meet your destiny, as in our story, when you say yes, you don’t know what the future will bring. Wendell Berry writes of marriage: "Where you alone think you want <marriage> to go, it is not going to go. It is going where the two of you—and marriage, time, life, history, and the world—will take it. You do not know the road; you have committed your life to a way."

That way includes compassion, fidelity, truth-telling, tenderness, care. It is not being in love, so much as living in love. Living as though things matter. Waking up every day being thankful that you have love in your life, and treasuring that love. No, you do not know the road, but you may travel it in faith, and as the journey unfolds, travel it consciously and travel it well. You see, it is no less than life that you seek. So be it. Amen.

PRAYER

Beloved, we acknowledge our need for love—we know that without it, we become dry and despairing. But we are fearful. Dare we try again? Can the fire once again burn? Give us courage, O Spirit of Life, to move beyond our fears, to nurture the love that we have, and to stand ready to love in each encounter each day, practicing love as we go, being present to it as it seeks entry to our lives. Amen.

BENEDICTION

As you go back out into the world today, remember one thing: there is no scarcity of love in this world. Look into the face of your neighbor, your friend, your lover, and give thanks for the beauty that you see.

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Copyright 2003, Rev. Dr. Marilyn Sewell.  All rights reserved.